girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
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“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”