I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
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I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit