[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
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Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?