Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
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INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.