ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
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*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Best spot.. 😅
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
🤣🤣
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic