ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
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“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140