my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
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Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Had a spot of bother earlier.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.