ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
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Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
🏙👨🏼
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
my fav colour is also hitler