me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
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Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.