me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
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I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
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My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!