me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
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My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
the world’s most popular steaming services
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!