Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
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Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
monday
Lol #dogsoftwitter
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.