Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
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Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”