Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
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*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
me hitting on a model
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
My favorite type of men is ramen.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me