Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
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This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.