[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
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I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
I’m literally crying
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life