Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
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Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
Are you ok, human???
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
🤣could you imagine
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever