simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
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Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
nyc:
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot