Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
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Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.