Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
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A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Yup.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.