[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
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an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.