The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
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Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?