Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
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Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’