Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
You Might Also Like
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.