Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
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My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
I’m doing the lords work (judging)