Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
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8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week