ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
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Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
The absolute effort that went into this omg
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.