[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
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My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.