ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
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Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine