Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
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Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
#inspiration #foodforthought
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
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Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.