Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
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The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.