me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
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I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.