ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
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When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
when there are deer in the woods
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!