ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
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Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
Tough love is true love
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope