Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
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The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv