Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
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What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.