Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
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someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?