ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
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shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
i like to flex on them by shrugging
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls