I’m confused about plants
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WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.