The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
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The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.