Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
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robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows