Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
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Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?