Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
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If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Hey i am sexy to you now
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.