Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
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Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?