OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
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Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
happy valentine’s day to me
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct