Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
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I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.