FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
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Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.