Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
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left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone