ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
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me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
congratulations to them
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.