Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
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There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
How to find Kentucky on a map
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen